Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person wanders into your life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, or fall in love with you and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats at you and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

ready for a change.

I am more than ready for a change.

I've got to get a new car. Put Alissa in daycare. Plan for the trip to SC to visit Andra. New furniture for the house. Paint the house. Plan the wedding. Start my NYIP (photography) classes. Get back in shape. Thinking about enrolling at the Beauty Institute for makeup & esthetics. Look for a new, higher-paying, job.

And try to balance all of this with being a working mother, and fiance.

I thought maybe I'll be taking on too much. My best friend inspired me (as she always does) to go for it. She said " do every thing your little heart desires.. you only live once."

and she is so right. i cant keep letting the fear of being overwhelmed hold me back. if i never try how will i know how much i can handle? i have been superwoman in all other aspects of my life.

time to get a move-on. looking for inspiration & motivation wherever i can get it. i know i can do this, and i am so excited to start!

I have a 2 yr old daughter?

that can't be right!! :)

Alissa's birthday is in 3 days!! This wknd is going to be so INSANE! My mom & brothers are staying at my house... Cicily is coming in town!! Jack (cici's dog) is going to stay with us!! The birthday party is Saturday at 2 pm! Our house will be FULL! Its been raining all week long & our backyard holds water so the kids will be splashing in puddles at the party I'm sure!

Mary mentioned getting Alissa a swing set.. I told Will to tell her to go ahead & get it so it can be ready for the party! Instead of trying to put it together during the party.. trying to save some time & give the kids something to do! I'm not even 100% sure that she's going to get her a swing set.. but we'll see!

I spent all night in Alissa's room going through toys she doesn't need or play with. Clothes that don't fit her. Its time for a yard sale! I rearranged her room & tonight I have to go hang all her pictures & decor on the walls! It will FINALLY be finished!!

Wedding Fever =)

My Beautiful Demetrios Dream Dress!!

I'm So excited about this weekend! My bridesmaids dresses are in! And we're going tomorrow to pick them up! My girls are going to look so amazing in their dresses! I'm anxious to see how beautiful the two pinks are when put together in a dress! Each girl has a different dress so I'm also anxious to see how it all looks when put together!


Two of many of my Crazy Bridesmaids!

I get to take my wedding dress home! I'm almost scared to take it home bc if ANYTHING were to happen to it.. .i would just fall over & die. no joke. I found this dress almost 3 yrs ago in a magazine & just knew it was made for me! I searched high & low to find it... finally I found it & the dress had been discontinued! I was so sad, but the boutique looked in the back & found one left & it was my size!! How perfect! It was like the miracle I had been waiting for!

Finally Paid Off!! Exciting moment for me!

I have So much to do for the wedding, but luckily I have alot more time now! I'm really glad we put it off another year. Now I can get things done without being AS stressed! There's no such thing as stress-free wedding planning! But I'm so excited about everything! We have cake-tasting, menu-tasting, invitations, favors, seating charts, dance lessons, bridal luncheon, bridal showers, bachelorette party, and much much more to look forward to!

Cake Tasting!! Mmmm ..

I can't wait to marry the man of my dreams. The father of my child. My Best friend. He makes me laugh. He's all I ever need. I'm so blessed to have found him. I know without a doubt that we were born to be together. God brought us together. I can't wait to grow old with him.

Well last time I went to the dress shop was about a month or two after Thanksgiving.. and I tried on the dress & we couldn't get it zipped! It was like ALMOST! It was all that yummy turkey day food & christmas food!! So hopefully when I try it on this wknd it will fit perfect like it did before. And I'm pretty confident that it will bc I have been losing weight.. i think i dropped a pants size!

I feel Beautiful when I put it on.. like a Princess =)

New Kitten or 9 month old cat?

So we've been wanting to get another cat. I miss my kitties & i know they're in Kitty Heaven! So i thought Alissa's birthday would be purrfect ;)

She loves kitties too! I've been looking on craigslist.com but haven't had much luck finding a kitten we were really interested in.. til i found this ad for kittens who are only 5 wks old.. and two of them are solid white! I've always wanted a solid white kitty and I miss Cracker SO MUCH!

I talked to Will about it and we both decided that a small new kitten would probably not stand a chance with Sadie around! Not that Sadie is aggressive but She likes to play & might be too heavy or rough for a tiny new kitten! Which makes me sad cuz i really wanted one of these kittens! But i think its for the best.. plus i would probably feel like we were 'replacing' Cracker bc these look identical to Cracker.

So then i found an ad for 9 month old kittens who need a good home. They are used to dogs and children. Purrfect!! ;) The two males look just like King and the female is so pretty & i told Will that I had never had a calico cat before.. So, her name is Dali. I emailed the owner & they are excited about her getting to have a home with a little girl who will love her! She's the spotted one! Isn't she pretty? Hopefully all will work out & we will get to give this kitty a good, loving home!

Alissa is turning 2.

omg. where is my tiny little 4 lb baby that i brought home from the hospital? This can't be right! Her 1st birthday was just yesterday, right? Well it is real and only wks away! My baby is growing up so fast! She is talking so much now & has her own little personality.. along with a big attitude! She's just the funniest thing ever & can make me laugh no matter what's going on. I finally got her hair in a ponytail!! I've been so happy about that all week! its the cutest thing EV! I have so much to do for the party & luckily google helped me with ideas. I'm gonna do a butterfly theme! I am going to make the invitations, and the cake. and the decorations! In only 2 wks! I started the invitations last night.. i found these colorful butterflies & a sky background so i have to cut all these intricate butterflies out perfectly, which takes about 10 minutes on each one.. then glue them to the sky paper. Making sure its folded perfectly. I don't want them to look cheap! But i made the invitations for our engagement party last year & they looked perfectly professional! I just have to take my time with these.. Anyways. We're thinking about getting alissa a kitten for her birthday! We're just not positive how Sadie will act towards it.. she's never been aggressive but who knows with a tiny kitten? She might just want to play & be too rough..

well back to work i go!

Uncle Bill is gone.

Last night i was having this crazy dream that alissa was in the ocean & i was standing on the dock & there was a shark that was swimming around & i knew he was goin to get alissa so i kept sticking my foot in the water to make him come back to me away from her but it didnt work & he started biting her legs & she was screaming & i was screaming & i felt so helpless.. then i get woke up by my phone ringing.. it was mary. the time was 3:38. as soon as i saw her picture on my phone i just knew it had to be something wrong. i said hello, half asleep.. all i heard was screaming & crying.. i couldn't understand a thing she was saying. 'he's dead.. he's dead.. bill's dead! We need will to come take us to the hospital' OMG. i started crying instantly. i looked over & will wasnt in bed. i got up & he was on the couch. i woke him up & tried to hand him the phone but he pushed it away. i said Will please wake up.. its important. i didnt know how to tell him so i handed him the phone. he stood up, dropped the phone, then dropped to his knees. he left. it was 4 am. and i was alone. i wanted to call cicily. i wanted to call rachel. i just needed someone to talk to & i didn't know what to do. i didnt want to wake anyone up so i laid back down with alissa. i couldnt sleep. i guess i finally cried myself to sleep but i kept having these crazy dreams & woke up like every 30 min. will came back at 8 am to get alissa so i could go to work. i just wanted to stay with will. i kissed will, straightened his shirt and said baby you're the only man in the family now. work was slow thankfully. i couldnt get into the swing of things. i felt numb. it was such a smack in the face. i went to granmom's at lunch. mary was outside & i grabbed her & hugged her & we cried together. she kept saying ' i want my brother back, i need him, i want him back, god why did you take him? i just want my best friend back, im not a sister anymore'. my heart was breaking for her. there were people there, friends, people from the church, we all prayed together. another friend brought food. there was so much food. i couldnt eat. i had to go back to work and got so busy. i just couldnt function. but some how i did it. i got off work early & went back to granmom's. Ron was crying, he told me Bill was his best friend, more like a brother. i just can't believe what happened. he was throwing up for 2 days & started hallucinating last night so they called 911 and he had 3 seizures & a heart attack. something's not right about that. he was 60 yrs old. he was pretty healthy. he was always smiling. will is the spitting image of him. that was will's only uncle. his other uncle died a long time ago.. i think like 10 yrs or so. finally we get home & nick comes over. we watched american history x.. it was a really good movie & cried my eyes out at the end. rachie came by after she got off & gave alissa a bath. i am so tired my eyeballs burn. maybe thats from crying. dont know. RIP Uncle Bill~ you will be greatly missed. we love you & we know you are in heaven with the angels and you are at peace smiling down & watching over us.

our wonderful weekend

happy 12th birthday Cody! i love you!

Friday was Cody's 12th birthday! My brothers are growing up SO fast! We had a lil party at dad's. Rachel & I went shopping for Cody & ended up getting some funky neon colored shirts w/ peace signs. hot! lol. So anyways Cody's party was fun.. we left Alissa with mom & everyone headed to my house.

my peeps

Jessica Marie & her b/f Adam, Jess & Farrin, Laura & Zach, Rachel, Dlo, Paige, and Brooke all came over. We had a blast.. dancing to music & takin funny pics! We stayed up til 5 am & Jess Marie ended up spending the night.

class of '03

we're addicted!! full throttle ay bay bay!

Its been a long time since I partied like that! Saturday I woke up really early to go pick up Alissa.

best thing i've ever been called.. Mommy.

We chilled around the house until Paige called & said Hailey & Bridgett were coming in town! YAy! havent seen either of them in a long time.. so they all came over! Then Rachie came over too! Mom dropped Cody off & he spent the night.

Paige, Hailey, Bridgette, Me & Alissa

My beautiful best friend Rachel

Then about 1 am Jiff called & brought the crew over. Lacey, Coty, Rhonda, Crys, & Jiff all came over & i was happy to see everyone but they were so loud they woke Alissa up & the 'party' was over. I had to put Alissa back to sleep & ended up yelling at everyone for being so loud. Oops. i didnt mean it.. but when your child gets woke up at 2 am.. it tends to be a bit irritating. Anyways. So Sunday I slept in.. finally. Cody played with Alissa until I got up. Then mom picked him up & we drove out to Gram's to see her. Alissa slept in the car while we talked to her outside. Then we went to see Mary @ Ron's when Jiff called & wanted us to go to SHelby Farms to meet everyone.


Amanda, Liz & her girl (who is almost 4 yrs old, i cant believe it), Coty, Rhonda, Jiff, Mini-man, Kenzy, and Lace & Crys were all there. We let the kids play for a while & then headed out.


Lace invited everyone to come over to cook out burgers & that was a blast!! Kenzy, Mini-man & Alissa were the cutest together! There was a hole in the backyard & Kenzy said ' Mama, thats a hole' Jiff said 'yeah baby dont step in it' Kenzy said 'yeah i dont step in it cuz then there wont be no Kenzy no more' LMAO. omg. that was the cutest/funniest thing i have ever heard a kid say!

Mini man, Kenzy & Alissa

Kenzy is So sweet too! She just LOVES Alissa & Alissa just loves Kenzy! Aunt Laura finally showed up about the time we were leaving, but was still good to see her! I miss them!! It felt like old times some how.. except we all have kids now. its weird.

Lacey, Crys, & Jiff

So i know monday is not part of the wknd but we had a busy monday too.. .i worked til 5 then we went to Matt Duty's for dinner. Alissa, Gracie, & Elizabeth just ate it up! they loved playing together! Madison was too small to really play but Alissa loved seeing her too! Jennifer is really nice and down to earth & it was nice to talk to her. Matt made grilled chicken sandwiches w/ pasta & corn & french fries & MAN it was SO good. my tummy just started grumbling.

So! Now its Tuesday & im sitting at work on my lunch break.. i dont want to waste gas driving home.

Hopefully the rest of the week will be as good as the past wknd.

Oh! and i got an email today about pug... i dont know if it is our pug but i have to call this lady after 6 pm to see. I am praying it is her!

today is not my day.

i am ready to get off work so i can go home to alissa. she is the one thing in this whole world that can put a smile on my face no matter how bad i feel. i am just having one of those days where i feel like 'when is it my turn to catch a break?' i woke up this morning thinking: 'good morning. you are beautiful. have a great day.' then i get a few pieces of information that turn that thought process into 'everytime i'm on top of the world, something comes along & knocks me right back on my ass.' i cried today after will came by. alissa was in the backseat & she didn't smile at me like normal, she had this look on her face as if she was saying 'why do you leave me?' it really broke my heart. i hate not being able to stay home with her. i loved every minute of it. and she is really not adjusting to all the changes very well. she has been acting up, crying, holding onto my leg & not letting go, even if i walk across the entire house.

Pug's Missing.

I'm heart broken. Pug has been gone for a week now. I have no idea how she got out. We posted flyers that same day she went missing but of course it rained for the next two days & the flyers were ruined. So Nana printed 200 copies & i had the boys go around putting them on cars & in mailboxes. I am so worried about her.

I just pray that where ever she is she's safe & taken care of. I hope that nobody stole her. I just hope that someone took her in and just havent seen the signs yet. I miss her so bad & i feel so bad for her.

Pug has always had seperation anxiety so i know she's freaking out without me. I just want her back so bad. She's 5 years old! thats not long enough for me to have her... she was my first child. I need her back. my heart is breaking peice by peice every day that she is gone.

Dreams

I had this crazy dream early this morning that we saw whiteboy & another puppy but they were all grown up & had their own puppies. Then in the dream i realized that whiteboy & the other puppy were stolen from us & i wanted to keep them & all their puppies. Whiteboy looked so beautiful. I really miss Chino & Icy & all the puppies.

St. Patrick's Day

My awesome boss took me & the girls at the office out to lunch today for St. Patty's. We went to Celtic Crossing in the cooper-young area. It was really fun! They had this cool irish band, playing these cool irish intruments.. One girl was giving out beads, and i couldnt get enough! lol. I ordered the fish & chips & it was sooo good! Mom bought all the girls matching shirts for today! I'm supposed to meet Belle after work to go see the girls & take pics in our matching shirts. Then Nana's taking us shopping for things around the house that we desperately need. I need to find alissa something green to wear today!





All my brothers & sisters except Laura Jo! & Mom & Dad

Potty Training Alissa

So we bought her a new pink princess potty seat that plays music if she pees in it. So we put it out for her, she took her pants off.. took her diaper off.. sat on the potty. Didn't pee.. but grabbed the toilet paper and started wiping! Really funny, guess she got that from watching me. So then she says YAY! gets up walks in the living room and pees in the floor! Alissa! OH NO! and that same scenario has played out a few times. Always peeing in the floor, never in the potty. I'm sure she will figure it out, she's so smart! I'm just getting tired of having to clean up pee.. and bathe my child more than once a day!